Moralization Gap—why small issues turn into big fights!
I had a big fight with a patient the other day. He insisted that since he can hardly get out of bed due to his chronic back pain, he must stop working. At first, I stayed calm explaining how inactivity is not good for chronic pain. However, when he became relentless and belligerent in his demand I lost my patience. Voices were raised and some harsh words were exchanged. I had to ultimately ask him to leave. He did leave while saying no less than a few unkind words to my staff. While feeling relieved that the conflict was over, I felt an overwhelming sense of stupidity and couldn’t believe that I had lost my cool.
A recent study compared the outcomes of patients who stuck with their physicians they did not like versus outcomes of patients who liked their physicians. It turned out that the former group of patients had better outcomes. Wow, I thought. I was right about being hard on him! Had he stuck it out with me, he would have been better off. I made myself feel better.
Honestly, I rarely feel that I do anything wrong when involved in a fight. I feel I am always right. I sense that the conflict was unavoidable; provoked by the others and that my actions were justified.
The fight with my patient was no exception. The patient was wrong for disrespecting my expert opinion. He was wrong in using harsh language and testing my patience. And really…I kept my cool until the very last minute when I really had no choice. By then, it was not going to work out any way, as his demands would have required compromising my principles. And of course, one should never compromise his principles.
I feel the same way when I fight with my wife. I feel that she is overly-sensitive, over-reacts and over-remembers everything. Just when I start to find some peace after a conflict, my wife would bring it up again, and I hear… “Ding!” If she could just forget and leave things alone, this world would have more happy husbands, perhaps even world peace!
There is a psychological concept called “Moralization Gap.” This states that when I do something wrong it feels harmless, inconsequential and provoked, therefore, justifiable and forgettable. However, when wrong occurs to me, it feels grievous if not egregious, unprovoked and harmful. During an incident, there is a dramatic difference of experiences on each side. Unfortunately, this “gap” in bookkeeping makes the two sides difficult, if not impossible to resolve the conflict. Both party’s attempts at resolution, exacerbate and escalate the differences. This is why we say the same thing over and over again, raise our voices, and get angry with each other, believing the opposite party to be irrational and uncompromising.
Recently, my 7-year-old son complains that his sister has stepped on his toe intentionally and he suffers from pain. He demands justice and will not stop complaining until appropriate punishment has been meted out. My cute daughter who has my heart, on the other hand, explains that she accidentally brushed his toe while getting into the car and feels wrongfully accused.
Reconsider the fight I had with my patient. Toward the end, I said something that was completely harmless. “I am not your slave, you cannot demand that I do what you please!” He was infuriated. He accused me of using a word in racial denigration. He wanted to call the police! Wow! I referenced myself to being his slave, but nonetheless, his top came off. The “Moralization Gap” in this situation was insurmountable.
On page 538, Steven Pinker in his recent book Better Angels of Our Nature introduces Shergill’s study where this “Gap” was precisely studied and measured. Study participants were paired off with a gripping device. One was to start by gripping the other’s hand with a “light force for 3 seconds.” The other was to grip in return with “equal pressure and force.” Amazingly, only after 8 rounds of exchanging grips, the pressure of the grip had gone up some 8-10 times! Each round of gripping resulted on an average of 40% increase in the pressure. Each side expressed that they were gripping the other’s hand with the same pressure his hand was gripped with. There apparently was a huge “gap” between what one feels was done to him, and what one ought to do in return.
“Eye for an eye” if left to its own devices, will kill and destroy all of us. We have seen this over and over again in our history, and apparently we were all just trying to be fair.
This “Moralization Gap” is real and has severe consequences in all human conflict. This gap makes misunderstanding inevitable. Agreeing is impossible without compromising one’s view and accepting the other’s view no matter how extreme.
I’ve since recognized that I used poor judgment using an analogy of a slave in that conflict. No matter how idiotic and perverse the interpretation, I need to accept that I hurt the other’s feelings. Even though wives often irritate like ringing bells, we need to listen and silence our thoughts to understand their frustration.
During arguments, we often heap layers on layers of explanation, trying to get one’s point across. We feel that if we could just explain better and remain calm, the other would understand. “Moralization Gap,” however, tell us that understanding is impossible. “I don’t get you,” really is the norm and that this “Gap” makes mutually coherent interpretation of a same event by the opposite parties impossible.
Recognizing this gap puts premium on listening rather than skillful oration. The sooner I hear the other’s position, however convoluted; the sooner is there a hope for de-escalation of conflict and resolution.
This “Gap” also lets us know that “what we feel” is more important than “what really happened.” We must recognize and accept the other’s feelings and their interpretation of the event to make sure that we don’t lose what is most important…each other.
Dr. Carl Shin is a physician at a private practice for chronic pain management in Sacramento, CA. He graduated from Andrews University in 1988, with a degree in Theology. After earning a bachelors degree in biochemistry from UGA in 1991, he graduated from Loma Linda Medical School in 1995 and completed a Physical Med and Rehab residency in 1999. He also did his Fellowship at the University of Pennsylvania in 2000.