Beauty in the Darkness: Caring for Someone With Dementia
One of the most important roles in my life right now is caring for my in-laws. In some ways, it’s challenging and frustrating but as in all things in life, God makes all things better and more beautiful.
Both my Mother-in-law (MIL) and Father-in-law (FIL) are in their early 90’s and are relatively healthy for their age but recently my FIL started to show signs of dementia, forgetting how to do things that he did with ease a few months back. Not only did he know to take his own medication, he would unfailingly dispense my MIL’s as well. But one day a few months ago my sister-in-law noticed his pill case along with my MIL’s was full at the end of the week. And when I took him to the dentist for a routine check-up, the hygienist noticed that his teeth were not being brushed.
Initially, when I realized that I needed to help my FIL with these tasks, I started to feel overwhelmed and stressed. I felt that adding more duties to my normal duties for my in-laws was like adding the straw that would break the camel’s back. Surely, I cannot be asked to do more!
Especially when it came to brushing his teeth, helping him shave, and helping him to bathe were all tasks that felt really uncomfortable for me to do. Something in me really rebelled at having to do these jobs.
But “where sin abounds, grace does much more abound.” God was working on my heart to bring goodness out of darkness. I was reading a book entitled, The Alzheimer's Solution, where the authors promoted a natural method of defeating Alzheimer’s that included a vegetarian diet and exercise. I found myself getting strangely and intensely inspired to not only help my FIL with his hygiene tasks but I wanted to help him exercise as well. I truly believe this was inspired by the Holy Spirit that was answering the cry of my heart.
So I started a routine of helping him brush his teeth and having a short time of gentle stretching and exercising. Surprisingly, my FIL enjoyed these exercises and said it felt “she won heh” (refreshing). At one session, he said to me, “Thank you for treating me like your Dad instead of FIL.”
Instead of these moments becoming something uncomfortable for me and him, these moments have become times of joy, laughter, and love. One conversation that I had with him went like this when I was helping him brush his teeth.
Me: Now, you need to take out the dentures and rinse them under the faucet.
Fil: Oh yes, I remember you told me how to do it yesterday but I forgot again. When I was younger I was called a genius but now I feel so stupid.
Me: For a 92 year old you are a genius! Most people who are the same age as you can’t even walk around on their own two feet and have to be fed by others.
Fil: Oh really, that makes me feel a lot better!
Having to help my FIL with these tasks has helped us develop our relationship in ways that was not possible when he was fully independent. When he was younger, there was a civil but formal relationship between us. These moments when he’s especially vulnerable where I help tend to his needs are especially poignant and intimate. We laugh together and share precious moments. I know God’s presence is there because I feel a peace and joy that is not possible under those circumstances.
I don’t know how much more my father-in-law will decline in the future. He did get a formal diagnosis of dementia from the neurologist, a few months back. But even though the future remains uncertain, I am thankful for each day that he remembers my name, says thank you to me, and knows that God loves him. I am thankful that God holds the future and can trust in Him to be with my Father-in-law and no matter what happens…“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39