Blessings Through the Struggle: A Caregiver’s Perspective
Caring for aging loved ones is a profound and complex journey, one that brings both challenges and blessings. As I reflect on the experiences of caring for my mother-in-law, father-in-law, and my own parents, I am struck by the emotional, physical, and spiritual demands of this role. These moments of care teach us resilience, strengthen familial bonds, and remind us of the circle of life. In this article, I hope to share my personal journey of caregiving to offer encouragement to others who may find themselves in similar circumstances and to highlight the grace and growth that can arise even in the midst of hardship.
My Mother-in-law passed away in the summer after suffering from heart failure. Although she was 95, it still felt unexpectedly too soon. Dealing with hospice, and caring for a very ill person with all their respective health issues was a learning experience. Even with having the help of health care workers, it was a scary experience to care for a dying loved one. Praise God that she died at home very peacefully in her sleep. It was her lifelong dream to be able to leave the earth that way so I am very thankful that God granted her that wish.
My Father-in-law is still alive and well. Our family was afraid that he would be very depressed after my MIL’s passing. But praise God, he is relatively stable in health. Because he has some early stage dementia, it is shielding him from the rawness of losing his spouse of many decades. My FIL has always maintained a cheerful disposition and having dementia has not altered that. Even though he has some memory loss, he doesn’t seem too bothered by my MIL’s passing.
My own parents are in their late eighties and they’ve had an eventful year also. My Dad had a mild stroke early in the year. Although he dodged very bad outcomes from a severe stroke, he still has some residual effects from the stroke. His gait is a little lopsided, he walks much slower and his speech is not as clear compared to before the stroke. Perhaps because of these issues, he ended up having a bad fall in the parking lot of Hmart. He was carrying a 20 pound bag of rice in one hand and carrying another bag of groceries in the other and ended up tripping on the concrete floor. Because both his hands were full, his face took the brunt of the impact. His mouth got all bloody and his nose got really scratched up too. But amazingly, no broken bones or teeth. He just needed a few stitches on his mouth. I truly believe that his guardian angels were holding him up.
But the person that I’m most concerned about is my Mom. She hasn’t had any drastic health catastrophes like my Dad, but her dementia is getting worse. Although she can still recognize me and my siblings, she has long forgotten the names and faces of her grandchildren. But the most troubling aspect of her dementia is that she is constantly anxious, nervous and afraid. Her baseline mood is a persistent feeling of being out of place, not feeling right with herself. And at times she has fears that someone is out to harm her. She has taken me aside a few times to say that my Father is trying to kill her. It is disturbing for me to hear but my Dad is affected much more deeply. Being her main caretaker has taken a toll on my Father, and even he yells at her sometimes. You may think that it’s not a big deal but you have to understand that my Father is the most stoic, non reactive person that I know. In all years of knowing him, he has never raised his voice to me, ever. So, it’s telling that he loses his temper with her.
When I see how disturbed my Mom is, I feel guilty that I’m not doing enough to help with my parents. I know that having to live with my FIL and having to take care of him is a full time job. I hate to admit this but I am sometimes relieved that I don’t have to deal with my Mom all the time. I feel like a terrible daughter for admitting that. I also have to confess that sometimes I feel awkward with my own Mom, not knowing what to do with her or say to her when I do visit her. When she asks me, “What am I supposed to be doing now?” I don’t know what to answer her. The harder question to answer is when she asks me, “Tell me what to do so that I can live.” Maybe that’s the perfect opportunity to share about God’s love and give her a Bible study but I usually give her trite answers to pacify her.
I have come to terms that I can’t do everything that she’s asking me to do for her. She will call me at times and tell me that she needs to see me and that I’m the only person that can comfort her. It really tears me up inside to hear that. But I’ve made peace with the fact that there are some things that I can do to help her, things that will help her more in the long run. Rather than drop everything and drive two hours to see her will only help her very temporarily. I find that I need to be proactive and not reactive.
I am in communication with my brother and sister about the things my parents need to do to make their environment safer. This year, we arranged to renovate their bathroom so that they could replace their bathtub/shower with a safer walk-in shower. This came especially handy as my Mom is needing assistance with her showering. We also got a walker for my Mom so that she could be encouraged to take walks outside their house. Also, I coordinate having one of my siblings to watch my Mom when my Dad is going to be out and there is no health care worker available.
Another big achievement for their care was applying for Medicaid for my parents. Making the plans with the lawyer and getting their paperwork in order was something my siblings and I worked on together. I am very blessed that my siblings and I get along very well and we worked harmoniously together. I have seen many sibling relationships get strained when it comes to making decisions for their aging parents. A childhood friend and her older brother got into a fight over the care for their mother and their relationship has been seriously affected. There are so many complicated feelings and dynamics when it comes to dealing with aging loved ones, so it is not uncommon for sibling relationships to get tested.
I’m sharing my journey of caring for my parents and in-laws for several reasons. First of all, I know that there are many in my position. This article is written to say, I see you and know that it’s not easy. You may feel frustrated that you don’t know what to do, and don’t feel equipped to help your loved one. You probably have limited resources that you have to divide out between your own needs and the needs of your parents. You may have tense relationships with your siblings because of different ideas about how to care for your loved ones. Many times, there is one sibling that takes on more of the caring role and that leads to a host of complex emotions between the siblings. Guilt, resentment, and bitterness may be common emotions that arise between siblings. If you are in my position of having to take care of aging loved ones, know that you are not alone.
Secondly, despite all the challenges of taking care of aging loved ones, there are a host of blessings that come with it. Many of us have been parents to young children and have experienced all the weariness that comes with that. In many ways, caring for elderly has similar characteristics. Elderly need assistance with many tasks that you can do without even thinking about them. Toileting, showering, cooking, shopping are some of the tasks that you have to do for them. It may feel strange to have the roles reversed and to do things for them that they may have done for you. But if you think about it, it’s a wonderful way to thank your parents for what they’ve done for you. To do the duties that they have done for you is a beautiful part of the cycle of life. If you are blessed to have parents/in-laws that are still living that need your help, it’s a God-given opportunity to use your talents and resources to give back to them.
Another blessing that comes with helping your elderly loved ones comes along with service to others. In Steps to Christ in the chapter on “The work and the life”, Ellen White writes, “The spirit of unselfish labor for others gives depth, stability, and Christlike loveliness to the character, and brings peace and happiness to its possessor.” “Those who thus devote themselves to unselfish effort for the good of others are most surely working out their own salvation.”
You may say to yourself, my labor is not unselfish for my parents. I have to do it because I have no choice. You may feel resentful or angry that you have to do it. Still, having to give of yourself can be rewarding, even if there are mixed motivations for doing it. “Strength comes by exercise; activity is the very condition of life.” Steps to Christ. Also from the same book, “Every act of self-sacrifice for the good of others strengthens the spirit of beneficence in the giver’s heart, allying him more closely to the Redeemer of the world…”
Personally I’ve found my bonds with my siblings to be strengthened as we work on the matters for my parents. Working on such a worthy goal as helping our parents helps us to pool our resources together and learn things that we can use for our planning for the future. There are so many things I learned through helping my parents and in-laws - legal, relational, medical and personal care. I can use this information to help others and to help myself in years to come.
Helping my aging loved ones also prepares me for my own aging. Seeing the difficulties that they are facing helps me to not take my own health and youth for granted. Another thing is to accept that I too, may need someone’s help to do basic tasks that I take for granted now. It’s a sobering thought and I know that many of us vow to ourselves that we will not put our children in the position of having to care for us when we are old. But many times, this is not our choice to make.
Caring for aging loved ones is undoubtedly a labor of love, requiring patience, strength, and faith. It is a journey filled with bittersweet moments, from navigating health crises to making difficult decisions for their well-being. Yet, it is also a privilege to serve and give back to those who once cared for us. Through the challenges, we discover blessings in the form of deeper family bonds, personal growth, and spiritual enrichment. For anyone walking this path, know that you are not alone. Together, we can embrace the beauty in this God-given opportunity to support our loved ones with grace and compassion, knowing that in doing so, we fulfill an important part of our walk with Christ.