Dental Diaries: Caroline
In the last semester of my Junior year in dental school, I had the fortune of meeting Caroline. She would become my 5th patient... ever... I was excited because she would be my first “real” case: she had pain. When I met her, she was in her mid 40's, very well dressed and beautiful. She had perfect, flowing long blonde hair, perfect makeup and a perfect smile. Caroline always was happy and optimistic about everything. After inquiring about her tooth pain, I went through the usual check up and radiographs, which we were required to be performed on every new patient. I asked her why she would come to a student dentist when it appeared that she could afford to be seen by a private doctor, and she said that she liked that we were so thorough in our evaluations.
I went through the usual health screening and asked how she felt. Caroline told me that she was feeling more tired than usual and that she was wondering if the pain in her molar may be the culprit of her fatigue. I found that her molar was indeed fractured and needed to be treated. However, performing a root canal in dental school took several visits even before the actual procedure began.
Even though it took multiple visits, at every appointment, Caroline was cheerful and friendly, always smiling and encouraging. Then, on the third visit she told me devastating news.
“I have breast cancer.” Caroline stated nonchalantly. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. I froze. “I'm so sorry.” I said. Right after the words left my mouth, I knew I should have said something more encouraging, something less cliche. I felt awful. “Don't be, I'll beat it!” Caroline insisted.
In the subsequent appointments I started seeing physical changes in Caroline. First it was the red, puffy eyes, then it was the bandana around her head where her beautiful hair used to be, then the wig, and then her weight loss. I saw the toll that the chemotherapy was taking on her physical body. But through it all, Caroline always was happy and optimistic, never a tear or sadness to speak of. She was still the bubbly, wonderfully encouraging woman I first met.
As a dentist, I clean, fix, and extract teeth everyday. These procedures are mundane in my life and I have become almost numb to the extreme anxiety which most people have toward the things I do everyday. So, when I told Caroline that I had to extract some of her teeth due to the chemo destroying the ligaments and the surrounding bone, I was not expecting the reaction she gave me. I had taken for granted her cheerfulness and optimism and had forgotten that she was hurting inside. When I told her, I just assumed that we could easily fix the situation by giving her an implant or bridge or any number of solutions. But to her it was something totally different.
“I can't believe it! I really can't believe it! This cancer has taken everything now!” She started sobbing and tears streamed down her cheeks. I was stunned. All I could do was look at her and sob with her. She apologized and then she proceeded to tell me that the cancer had slowly taken everything except her teeth. She always told herself that even though she was slowly becoming ugly, at least she had her smile. She tried to compose herself but she couldn't. Caroline profusely apologized for her breakdown. I tried to counsel her, but what can a student dentist do? I wished at that moment I had something wise or comforting to say that would help her, but all I could do was sit next to her and listen to her sob. She finally straightened up and asked me what her options were. I went down the list of what we could do, all the while telling her everything was going to be ok, that I could fix her teeth and that her smile will be perfect. She did not believe me.
When I look back and think of all the things that transpired for Caroline, I wish I could have told her that even though her outward beauty was fading, her inner beauty was one hundred percent totally intact. Or that God still loved her and when she went to heaven, she would shine like the stars and her deteriorating body would be restored a thousand fold. But at the time, all I could do was to sit and cry with her.
I proceeded to remove her molar as painlessly as possible. She thanked me for all that I had done and again apologized for her breakdown. I told her that everything was going to be ok. I could tell she didn't believe me. She scheduled for her other teeth to be restored, and left the clinic.
I never saw Caroline again.
In this world we are ravished with all kinds of pain. Our physical attributes are only temporary. We need to believe that there is a heaven, and that it should be our goal to reach it. We need to believe that everything here on earth is temporary and that there is something much, much greater than what we have. We need to believe... but do we? I pray for my unbelief, I pray for Jesus to give me faith, I pray that Caroline had Jesus in her heart and that no matter what she looked physically, she will be restored eternally.
Zachary Kim was born in Hami, South Korea and immigrated to the United States when he was 5 years old. He grew up in Minnesota and graduated from the University of Minnesota. He attained his Master's degree at Loma Linda University School of Public Health where he met his wife Cristina. He graduated in 2001 from Loma Linda University School of Dentistry. He and Cristina currently resides and practices in Duluth, Georgia with their 4 children, and two dogs.