Earn Your Right to . . . Complain?
previously published in September 2005
A couple years back I complained to a good friend of mine that I lacked the desire to attend church. In fact, my husband and I hadn’t been attending regularly for more than a couple years by then. We would show up every other week or maybe even every other month. When people at our church would make inquiries as to our whereabouts, we would just explain that we were church-hopping or that we were visiting family or friends at another church. Who could question that? No one did.
As I was explaining this to my friend, a quizzical expression began to cross her face. She didn’t look sympathetic or concerned, which is what I was fully expecting, to be honest. Actually, I’d say she looked rather annoyed or maybe even angry. But even as I noticed her apparent lack of concern, I didn’t let up.
“I just don’t get anything out of church, so what’s the point? There are so many capable leaders, but there is no action. Everyone seems apathetic. Why are things so disorganized? Why is there no real fellowship? I feel like a stranger at my own church. You know what I mean?”
When you pour your heart out to one of your friends, I think most of us expect responses along the lines of affirmation and understanding. All I got was a brusque, “You know what? Don’t go to church anymore.”
What? Let me tell you, it took a few moments for the shock to completely register. It’s one thing to choose for yourself whether or not to attend church, but when someone (let alone one of my closest friends) actually tells you not to, it’s a different story entirely. I was speechless. I mean, what could I say to that?
To make matters worse, my friend didn’t stop there, she kept going. “There’s no reason for you to go to church unless you’re willing to show some ownership. You can’t complain about things you’re not willing to try to fix. Don’t whine about the leadership if you’re not willing to help.”
I just sat there thinking, “Where the heck is this coming from?!”
The conversation pretty much ended there. I nodded my head in agreement with her, not because I really did agree, but my survival instincts had kicked in. I was uncomfortable with where the conversation had gone, and I needed it to stop.
It took me a couple days to get over what I considered a very insensitive response from my friend. After that though, I didn’t give the conversation much thought. I still didn’t want to go to church and my attitude towards the church hadn’t changed. It wasn’t until maybe a year later that the unpleasant feelings I had had that day revisited me one fateful afternoon.
I decided to attend Empower Ministry, which was being held in L.A. that year. In all honesty, my main motive was to see an old college roommate of mine who had told me she was flying out from Chicago to attend. I felt it a good opportunity to spend some time together since we hadn’t seen each other in months. She had already warned me about her busy schedule, since she would be in meetings all day. Still, I assured her that it’d be worth it to see her, so I followed her around from meeting to meeting—half listening and somewhat appreciating, half wondering when it would be time for lunch so that my friend and I could talk.
After lunch we went to another scheduled meeting. I don’t remember exactly what that particular seminar was entitled, but I do remember that it was about building lay leadership in one’s church. Basically, it addressed the importance of showing ownership in one’s church and stressed the capability of all individuals, whether experienced in leadership or not, to help out at church.
The first thing that popped into my head was how eerily similar this topic was to the time my friend had chastised me so many months before. I was hearing the same message again. “If you’re not helping, you have no right to complain.”
It is a message that has become inscribed into my brain. Whenever I feel dissatisfied with anything, I first think to myself: Is this a situation that I can change? Can I take action and make things better? Strangely, when it comes to church, the answer is always yes.
With anything in life, you cannot expect results for what you have not first devoted an amount of energy and time. We all know that nothing is for free. If you want something, you have to work for it. This same philosophy can be related to church. If we are to call it our church and our family, must we not all work together in order to build it up and make it stronger? This is a lesson that has taken me at least a couple years to learn, and I’m realizing that it takes a bit more than a change of attitude to make things happen. Ownership means taking pride in what is yours and preserving it with very regular maintenance.
I’m hoping that I will continue to be held accountable for my stake in the ownership of my church. I hope each of us can keep reminding each other to do our share. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Sonia Shim is a stay-at-home mom for her 12-year-old son, Caleb. She and her husband, Kevin, live in Vancouver, Washington.