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Ever “In for It” or “In It For Ever?”

There is nothing fundamentally more important to society than healthy families, and at the center of every healthy family is a healthy marriage. The human family is modeled on the nature of the Godhead. The Godhead is a divine family consisting of a unity of three co-eternal Persons, each loving the others with selfless benevolence. God’s design in creating mankind was to populate the earth with beings created in His image. Since the Godhead is a loving family, only a loving family can well reflect God’s image. God’s will was postponed when Adam and Eve decided to obey the serpent rather than God, and sin entered the world. To prevent the misery of having immortal sinners inhabit the planet, God barred the way to the Garden of Eden and the tree of life, but the two institutions of marriage and the Sabbath were retained for mankind.

Marriage is intended to be a great blessing to us. Yet, few things are as complex and subtle as this closest of human relationships. My wife Esther and I have been married over twenty-two years now, and despite blunders we have made along the way, God’s grace has kept us together. Whenever I encounter other couples who have had long-lasting marriages, I like to ask them, “So, what is your secret?” If someone were to ask me, I would say that the key is Jesus Christ, the Author of Love. Here are some “secrets” to a successful marriage that I have learned over nearly a quarter century with Esther and in observing other marriages in our journey to eternity.

1. Make God the center of your marriage. This is something that Esther and I decided to do early since our courtship, and it is the best decision we ever made. Only by allowing the God of Love to live His life within us can we hope to truly love our spouse. This is the secret to true love and unity in a marriage; the six points that follow are simply derivations of this single all-encompassing principle. When we make Jesus our role model, He teaches us how to die to self and to live to serve. Ephesians 5:25 reminds us to love our spouses as “Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.”

2. Understand that differences in opinion are a part of life. You many not reach unity on every matter, but you can agree to disagree without being disagreeable. Never belittle your spouse, no matter what. Never criticize your spouse’s choices—after all he/she chose you! One couple, married 61 years when I asked about their secret, succinctly replied, “Learn when to keep your mouth shut.” Do not think to change your spouse. I have found the best way to change my marriage was by changing my own attitude of “knowing what is best.” When I decided to enlist Esther as an ally and began to truly listen to her opinions, I came to recognize that God is leading both of us. Knowing that she desired the best good for our family, I began to listen to her counsel (and she to mine). I have learned to value the ways in which we are different from each other—even the ways in which we differ from each other. This breakthrough in communication has enhanced our lives, our family, and our marriage beyond our expectations. We are excited about living our ongoing love story.

3. Reject any thought that someone else could make you happier. The devil has been very successful in using such thoughts to make people miserable. Many once-happy couples become unhappy with each other and divorce, thinking to find happiness elsewhere, only to experience the same problems in subsequent relationships. God’s Word advises, “Rejoice with the wife of thy youth…and be thou ravished always with her love” (Proverbs 5:18-19). Instead of looking elsewhere for happiness, try to express love to bring happiness to your spouse when there is discontent. This will often rekindle the flame. Of course, if your spouse is abusive you will need protection; you are under no obligation to stay with such a person.

4. Be civil at all times. Often we treat strangers with more civility and respect than our spouse and family. Do not let this happen in your home. Your feelings and behaviors will reflect your attitudes, so remember that your spouse is a child of God, a person for whom Christ gave His life.

5. Continue to court your spouse. Successful couples enjoy spending time together: so talk together, do enjoyable new things together, and dream and plan together. The Sabbath is a perfect Sanctuary in time where you can step away from the pressures of this world and enjoy quality time with each other and with God. We are thus advised to “jealously guard the edges of the Sabbath” (Counsels for the Church, p. 263). Sabbath has become a day I eagerly look forward to each week.

6. Forgive each other. Many marriages are in crisis because of uncontrolled anger and the lack of forgiveness. If you recite the Lord’s Prayer, you are asking God to forgive you in the same way you forgive others. When your spouse wrongs you, consider it your opportunity to forgive. God is giving you a chance to become more like Him! We are instructed, “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26). One pastor half-joking confessed that sometimes he and his wife would stay up all night to avoid sleeping without resolving issues. Given our fallen natures, anger is inevitable; giving it up to God in prayer is the right response to anger. What has truly helped me here is to recognize that God allows these opportunities in order for me to develop a more Christ-like character. A pastor friend of mine told me once that he often retreats in prayer when he could respond in anger. This advice has saved me from many pitfalls.

7. Keep your eyes on eternity. God has loved us with everlasting love. He has gifted us by putting eternity in our hearts. Remember that true love is not a feeling but a decision to keep committed. Think of your marriage as a gift that God has given you on your journey to eternal life—a journey to Christ-likeness. Remember that eternal life can begin right now as you allow Jesus to make your home heaven on earth through a healthy, God-centered marriage. God wants you to be in it for ever.

Chan Hwang lives in Tacoma, Washington with his wife, Esther, and three of their four children: Nicole, Natalie, and Noelle (pictured here with him). Their eldest, and only son Nathan, is in college. He serves on the boards of Adventist Southeast Asia Projects, ARME Bible Camp, and Lifestyle Community Clinics. He has a private medical practice in Puyallup, Washington.


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