English Compass - bringing christian fellowship to korean americans

Freedom To Know and To Be Known: As a Whole in Community

How many of us feel like we truly know people? How many of us feel truly known by them? Even in our Asian church communities where we are all related somehow, how well do we really know one another? We often know people only by their functional titles such as “Elder A,” “Dr. B,” the résumés the parents tout to other church members or the gossip trail that follows someone or their family member.

And why is it so hard to get to know one another at a genuine level?

Could it be because “knowing” and “being known” are limited to how much we hide or show in shame? We often give and get only a slice of the whole person. That is why it is so refreshing when by God's grace, we see people live out the concept of knowing and being known as a whole, in community.

I grew up in Newtown, CT. It was so painful to see the aftermath of the tragedy in the news last December. Yet, seeing the graciousness of residents even through the pain reminded me of the aspects I loved about Newtown growing up—a small town where everyone was known--for who they were as a whole, in context. I saw God’s grace giving them the strength to embrace the "whole," even of a tragedy.

It would've been so easy to fall into the shadows of shame in the wake of tragedy, where people could've repeated the aftermath reactions of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden—hiding and pointing fingers. Newtown residents could’ve avoided the media people, or blame others. Yet, that did not happen there. Instead, they offered hot cocoa to the media people, and took it all in for what it was. Even the parents whose children did not make it to the firehouse, courageously accepted the tragedy for what it was as they screamed, cried, hugged, prayed to God, and finally beautifully celebrated with us the laughter and hearts of their children. The grieving people of Newtown seemed to understand the dignity and value of accepting their whole town and its members beyond the "shameful" parts, the tragic parts—they included the shooter and his mom among the victims in their grief. They embraced one another, and allowed us to know and embrace them in their agony. What beautiful humility in letting others into their pain and healing!

What if we can learn from Newtown's ability to go beyond shame into inviting God and others into our personal tragedies and trials?—allowing us to know and embrace the whole self and others as God does? What if we can let God do for us what He did for Newtown—begin a healing process in ourselves of the very parts of our lives that we may feel ashamed of? To become aware of them and allow Jesus and others, to come into it in compassion?

I wonder what would've happened if the Adam Lanza’s mom had allowed more neighbors and community members to know the depth of her real struggles regarding her son, and allowed them to truly know her as a whole? Including parts of her life she was ashamed of?

It sure does not come naturally for people to open up…because hiding in shame was the first aftermath from the Fall in Eden. And along with that, came compartmentalization and self-reliance. Adam and Eve covered one specific area of their nakedness…the part they were most ashamed of at the time, when all along, God knew about their whole nakedness. Funny thing is that they were covering a part of themselves that had not anatomically changed since creation...it was there even before the Fall. A strange shift happened in their conscience after sin, and they began to be ashamed of very human and natural things that were there before the Fall (reproductive parts that could be seen), but were clueless as to what truly changed and what would've been legitimate shameful—where their hearts and minds were—away from God, busy focusing on managing the outward appearances. But God saw everything—every crevice and shadow—every shift and bewilderment, insecurity, doubt, temptation, inner fear. And still, God called out to them in love and compassion, and called them out of shame and hiding together and into His loving presence of light—not to shame them, but to show them how He was going to heal them and save them. What an awesome God! And how misunderstood!

Don’t we do the same thing Adam and Eve did in Eden? We try on our own to just cover the compartmentalized parts of our lives that we are ashamed of, even when it's natural...(how many of us Asian Americans didn't grow up being shamed by our parents for many natural things like crying in public for a scrape, spilling milk, asking questions, making honest mistakes, being the wrong gender, or for trials we couldn't help?) This false shame keeps us unable to give our whole selves in our relationship to God, and to others. It keeps us managing our outsides instead of allowing God to address the heart issue, through avenues that can help us overcome shame—knowing and being known as a whole in authentic community. Instead of saying “I’m going through a rough time with my son, (or with my job, friend, finances, etc) I don’t know what to do. It's really affecting me. Can you pray for me or help?” many of us are tempted to hide behind fake smiles, rote prayers, "worship" duties, while wearing fig leaves of pride, suffering in silent isolation for fear of judgment. The deep seated cycle of shame (trying to be superhuman on the outside, then feeling sub-human on the inside) causes us to repeat Adam and Eve’s second sin: hiding...from God, from ourselves and others, thus unable to know or be truly known.

What if we came to God with all of the areas we are ashamed of? Our failures, the unmet needs, the broken dreams, the anger, the rejection, the betrayals, lust, greed, envy, insecurity/pride, and temptations? Instead of hiding those areas, God wants to take those fig leaves off of us so he can, not only cover our whole being with the robes of healing made from the slain Lamb, but transform us from the inside out.

The culture of shame is such a common thing among Asians, the culture seems built around “not losing face” which feeds duality or multiplicity. And heap on top of it a dose of legalistic view of God as accepting only perfect humans—it is asking for a toxic mix of deep-self judgment which results in judgment of others, which in turn makes for an unsafe environment where church members cannot share heart struggles and people cannot be truly known for who they really are, and prayers become mere chants.

I am the first to admit, I have lived my whole life striving to attain to perfection in every way…polishing and re-gluing different assortments of fig leaves to different places. It never really worked. The harder I tried, the farther from perfect my life slid. Sometimes life comes crashing down and everything you lived for turns their back on you. Very recently, I had to take a quick inventory of my life. My body broke down in many ways over the last year and it was only after I was given a revelation of the “whole picture” of truth that had been hidden, that I found clarity, and started to regain health. I still had to face some tough questions. I had to wrestle with God about the unfairness of life. I still cry out to God for “justice,” yet deep inside I know His justice and mercy kiss, and I am asked to forgive, although I had to re-learn the definition of forgiveness.
Thank God I had a community of non-Asian Christian women that I knew, but I took the huge risk of reaching out even further. At a certain level I wondered if it was unwise. Still, I reached out to everyone who I knew were Christians who prayed. And although there was a part of me that said, “Keep it to yourself, don’t you know the word embarrassment? They’ll just blame you in the end; they always blame the ‘victim.’” The wiser voice inside (the heavenly one I believe) said, “...there is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9), be humble (Phil 2:3), know everyone has similar struggles (1 Cor 10:13), share in suffering (2 Cor 1:7), pray for one another (James 5:16), trust God (whole Bible), shame is not from God (Gen 2:25; 3:7, whole Bible), take the risk of honestly sharing from the heart (2 Cor 6:13).”

The Spirit reminded me this is a risk worth taking. And I was glad I took the risk of sharing my life! It was so freeing to be supported not only by words, but by knowing we are not alone in our trials. I called upon a particular friend who I in a way feared had 'too good a life' to understand. At the same time, I felt the urge to open up to her. Surprisingly, she was able to give me a unique perspective that really encouraged me. I believe we had a better sense of how to specifically pray for one another.

I was also glad that I decided to open up to friends at church. Despite knowing that they may not reciprocate sharing their own struggles, we were able to go on our knees together and lift up the situation in prayer and tears. And that made all the difference! Things started to turn around slowly. And although turning around a situation is always a process, I see hope slowly begin to emerge. We all have or had things going on, and no matter how perfect we appear or want to appear, it is not reality. And it's as we invite God (in/through others) to come in, we can begin to bring healing into our communities.

I do have to say, I had the courage to share only because I did trust the spiritual maturity of these ladies and confidentiality. I trusted that they would actually pray and that I wouldn’t be gossiped about which happens too often in many social circles including churches. But in the end, I had to come to a point of humility where it simply didn't matter as much as the issue being lifted up to God together—simply trusting that where 2 or more are gathered in His name, there he is also—simply trusting in His power, and collectively calling upon the Holy Spirit. Having the assurance from God in honestly wrestling with him, and doing the honest work of heart searching and getting help, I am learning a lot of the true meaning of being known…It is being known through the mess, through the terror of a situation, it is being held up in prayer, it is being given unconditional acceptance of me as a whole, not only slices of my life that look pretty. It is being embraced in my entirety. And by the grace of God, in that embrace of an authentic community, I have the courage to allow the true inside-out transformation to develop.

None of the bible stories are pretty and perfect. Not even that of the birth of our Lord Jesus; it is quite messy. But God (don't you love that phrase? "But God...") is in the mess, because He does not compartmentalize his children's lives. He sees us as whole persons, and accepts us where we are, waiting for us to give ourselves entirely over to Him so he can heal us. It's time to come into His light from the shadows of shame. He wants to take our fig leaves off—from whichever area of our lives we may be trying to hide...maybe it's bitterness that we're trying to soothe on our own? An addiction of some kind, to numb a pang of inadequacy? Is it an aching feeling that everyone else has more of God's favor? I don't have the hard statistics but I don't think anyone would argue that all the societal issues run into the church as well: the near half divorce rate, affairs, sex addiction (including porn and objectifying), rage, violence, abuse, cheating, greed, embezzlements, envy, pride, etc, etc all are being fed and festering because of their secrecy. God knows most of these dwell somewhere under the antenna of our conscious reason, and religious talks, it happens at a powerful basic passionate level. It's in the seat of the heart...the innermost place of our beings...the innermost compartment...And that's where God wants to dwell, and know us, and heal us. And it is with a pure heart he wants us to know one another in community. There's a reason why Jesus said, "Love the Lord with all your heart, and with all your soul, with and all your mind" in that order! (Matt 22:37). (One way to test our shame is to see what our reactions would be if a church member were to say, “I’ll pray for you about XYZ”? If we feel resistant maybe there’s some shame over that issue.)

Our inner most sacred place...in the most holy place, that's where God wants to dwell, in our hearts "For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder," Mark 7:21. But how can Jesus dwell deep in our hearts if we leave all the junk in there with lock and key of denial and shame? Too many times, people at the pulpit have urged us to use “reason” and theology to beat down the junk that has been clamoring to get out…then they end up in scandals themselves. The devil’s reasoning abilities are far superior to humans’—but does that make him a savior? No! Is “reason” our savior of the heart? No, it’s just a tool to recognize inconsistencies. Jesus is the Savior. Like the demoniacs, we are fallen creatures that are powerless over our inner struggles and the junk in our hearts. We are still trying to give ourselves too much credit…our fig leaves are showing again! The only true power of choice we have is to call out to our Savior, or we can keep enslaved to our shame and pride—trying to manage the outward things with our own “moral choices” and “disciplined lives” (Good luck with that, because sooner or later the junk will leak out. It’s just a matter of time.)

Newtown residents did not sit and analyze their tragedy with their moral reasoning abilities. They called out to God together, and responded to His mercy with their hearts—sharing their pain with one another, holding onto hope of eternity, opening up their wounds for the whole world to witness how their Savior is taking steps to heal them. Not hiding in shame. “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes” Rom 1:17

It is my prayer that we will experience the freedom of knowing ourselves and one another as we are known by Him… “All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” (1 Cor 13:12 NLT) I believe this is His will. May it be done on earth, as it is in Heaven. May the time to be completely known be now. Lord, come quickly. Amen.