Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
The common title of John Bunyan’s autobiography alludes to two Bible verses, both by Paul. The first part, is from Romans 5:20 where he says, “But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more,” and the second from 1 Timothy 1:15 “This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.
Grace has indeed abounded towards me. Regarding the second part, Paul, when he called himself chief of sinners, it was not with fond reminiscence or nostalgia that he recalled his days of persecuting Jesus and the church. He was not proud to admit this, and it is with deep humility that he shares his conversion. If Apostle Paul had the humility to share his conversion and the fact that he was a wretched man mired in sin, then I, who have not attained to a fraction of his accomplishment and his measure of character, am also compelled to share God’s dealings with me.
When I preached a sermon 2 months ago, the scripture reading was taken from Acts 20. I will open with Acts 20 once again, with Paul’s farewell address to the Ephesian church. It is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. Reading from Acts 20:17, "From Miletus he sent to Ephesus and called for the elders of the church. And when they had come to him, he said to them: “You know, from the first day that I came to Asia, in what manner I always lived among you, serving the Lord with all humility, with many tears and trials which happened to me by the plotting of the Jews; how I kept back nothing that was helpful, but proclaimed it to you, and taught you publicly and from house to house, testifying to Jews, and also to Greeks, repentance toward God and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ."
Similarly, Paul is open to the Corinthians. 2 Corinthians 6:11-13: We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also.
Paul holds nothing back that he considers edifying.
One trait that I hate to see in myself and other people is being fake. Dishonesty. I hate pretension. Therefore, I also don’t want to hold back.
For a long time since high school, I’ve struggled with pornography and masturbation—although pornography was a bigger problem, that was harder to quit. This thing was the “sin which did so easily beset me” to use Paul’s words in Hebrews 12. My cherished sin that I was deathly afraid of telling other people. The wedge that prevented me from a closer relationship with God. I didn’t do it all the time, and in fact most of the time I’d stay clean. Sometimes I would go days, weeks or even months without doing the deed. The fact that this was a private sin, and that it didn’t involve other people—or so I thought—only enabled me to keep sinning.
For years I went through this cycle. Fall into temptation, give in, pray to God for forgiveness, and be clean for some time, repeat. After a long time you start wondering if you’ll ever obtain the victory. There were intervals between where I thought I’d gotten victory, and then I would become confident, and then fall again. I would tell myself, tell God, that this would be the last time that I would watch porn, or masturbate.
Meanwhile, verses, and passages of the Bible would encourage me and accuse me at the same time. You know, Romans 2:15: who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them.
Verses like Proverbs 24:16 “For a righteous man may fall seven times And rise again.” I liked this one a lot.
Jude 24: “Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,”
1 Corinthians 15:54 “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Mind you, these verses weren’t useless. The Word of God kept me from falling many times. But the problem wasn’t with the verses, it was with me.
During this whole time, I secretly prided myself on my spirituality. Which is ironic, since this is the one thing that you absolutely cannot pride yourself on- salvation comes by grace, does it not? I looked with disdain at all the kids at my home church, for their worldliness, their lack of appreciation and understanding of spiritual things and the Bible. I looked at how dedicated I was to ministry. During undergrad I considered myself to be Elijah, alone in a secular university, doing God’s work in this dark generation. Even here in Loma Linda the situation is not different, with many nominals and casuals. Fake Adventists, I’d thought. I would rebuke and exhort people to a higher standard. All the while, I would privately feed my lust. Praise God, however, that despite my great sin, God still gave me insights, God still caused me to grow tremendously. He taught me how to endure hardship, and to push on with the Lord’s work. In fact it was during undergrad that I grasped the enormity of our calling, the magnitude, the uniqueness of the Adventist message. I owe that in no small part to the examples of David and Eunice Park, Juan Antialon, and Yaw Adu-Gyamfi, people I met at ANEW.
Do you know what’s the worst feeling in the world, at least for me? It is, after you have preached your heart out, after you’ve given that Bible study, that you fall on your own words. You trip over your own words. Your own appeal to holiness to other people- that becomes a stumbling block. The feeling that you’re fake, you’re living a double life, that in fact you’re no better than the people that you look down on. That I’m a hypocrite. The dissonance between what I knew ought to be and wanted to be, and my reality, was… maddening.
For a long time I told absolutely no one about this. Finally three years ago, I told this to my close friend. He told me about how he used to struggle as well, and that he got victory over this sin and has since stayed pure for a couple of years now. That was an edifying conversation. Even after that, however, I would be ashamed to talk about this.
It’s so funny that in prayer meetings, in confessions, and in church when we’re taking prayer requests, you can predict what people will say. "Help me with my finances, help me with my exams, make this coronavirus go away. Help me with my pride, with wasting time, with impatience." These are the acceptable sins, the sins that you can talk about with other people. In James 5:16, it says “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed."
I’m sorry but I need to know that Jesus can do more than just help me with my impatience. I need to know that Jesus can do more than just help me pass or honor my exams. What I need with my struggles, and what the church desperately needs, is victory. Victory from the burden and power of sin. Permanently.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not downplaying impatience, or wasting time or pride. Those things, if held onto, and fully developed, will keep you out of heaven, out of fellowship with Jesus. And you probably couldn’t overcome impatience without Jesus. You cannot. You have to understand that at its core, all sin is the same. Did you know people lose their innocence—their virginity—because of impatience? People end up marrying unbelievers because of impatience and compromise. By the way, I also think that some sins and prayer requests are better left told to smaller groups, or just to brothers if you’re guy, and just to sisters if you’re a girl.
As a result, growing up in the church, I couldn’t relate to many of the testimonies that were told. They usually fell into two categories. The first type, I wasn’t impressed with, and the second, I couldn’t relate to. One type usually went like this, “Oh God helped me to get this nice job” or like “God led me through Southern and then Loma Linda Med School, even though I was really busy.” I’m like ok, good for you.
The second sort of testimonies were from people who left the secular world, either originally from the world or those who grew up in the church and left, and then came back. How they went drinking and partying and sleeping around. Praise God that you came back, but I can’t relate to that at all. I’ve never lived that kind of a hedonistic lifestyle, and I have no plans to. Drinking, or partying, or having sex with random people does not have sway over me. Those are just not the sins I get tempted by. In addition, a lot of these people, especially those who were raised in the church but left and had come back, seemed to almost glamorize sin. It sounded like they were reminiscing about their former life, but finally they saw the light and settled down in the church.
In fact, I still remember this speaker giving his testimony, of the second sort, of being in the world and then coming to God. At the end of this message, he had a Q and A session where we could text him questions and comments. Praise God that he was gracious in replying to my rude question, which was something like, “I was never in the world. In order to experience God’s grace and his Providence, should we leave the church, so that as a result of my sins, grace may abound?” I don’t remember his exact response, but he was such a Christian gentleman about it and encouraged my choice to stay in the church.
But I’m saying all this to clarify that, one need not venture into the “world” or even far from the church, to experience sin—I should know. In fact, sin is so close to us that God says to Cain in Genesis 4:7 that “sin is crouching at the door.” But Praise God that Jesus is also at the door, knocking. Adam and Eve did not have to step outside the Garden of Eden to sin. David did not even have to leave his house to fall into temptation and sin. He merely went upstairs and saw something that he shouldn’t have, and stayed on the roof, watching Bathsheba. The prodigal son’s older brother did not have to go to a far country to rebel against the father. He stayed home. Even Lucifer, was in the heaven we’re all aiming to get to “You were perfect in your ways from the day you were created, Till iniquity was found in you.” The Bible calls him the covering cherub.
Another thing I learned from my struggles, is that sin will take you further than you want to. Get this: you think you can play with sin, and stop when you’ve had your nice little pleasure for a season. Nope. That sin, that cherished idol, that habit, will take you further than you think. Eventually you won’t hear the Holy Spirit’s voice anymore. That is the unpardonable sin. That one innocent thing that you thought you dabble and throw away at a moment’s notice—that will cause you to be lost. Proverbs 6:27 explains, “Can a man take fire to his bosom, And his clothes not be burned?” and believe me, your clothes are not the only clothes that are gonna get burned.
The sins that you think affect only you, the things that you think are in your private sphere, they affect everyone that you come into contact with. For one thing it debilitates your life as a witness. You cannot claim the blessings of heaven if you are walking contrary to His ways. Amos 3:3, famous verse, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Shouldn’t this be obvious? How can the Holy Spirit work through you if you insist on going the opposite direction? If you persist in sin, in that which displeases God? Or have you never read 1 Corinthians 6:7, where it says, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never!” Here with pornography and masturbation, even though it involves just one person physically, you are joining not with God when you engage in this sin, but indeed with the devil, a prostitute. Most fearful of all, Proverbs 28:9 declares, “If one turns away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer is an abomination.”
When I went canvassing, my team had to have total surrender, else we just would not be effective. I remember either the 5th or 6th week of canvassing, that I was particularly argumentative with the leaders, and I fought with my roommates. Even by my standards, I got very few books out that week. However, that Wednesday night, I had a long talk, and apologized to the leaders and to my roommates. The very next day, books were flying left and right.
When you know that there is a sin that ensnares you, it’s hard to convince others of your message. Because you have not experienced the power yourself! You, yourself are struggling, so how can you tell others of the power that is the gospel?
I am not proposing that only those that are sinless can serve God. Quite the opposite. The most effective worker for God will be those who realize their deep faults, and with humility recall how they were delivered from sin. You need to become tethered to Jesus, because Satan accuses you day and night. You need His strength, to not be discouraged by Satan’s accusations.
One time after I had done the deed, I just sat there, dazed, feeling so empty. And this voice said to me, “Ted, you are a slave to pleasure. Slave to sin.” I remembered this verse in Romans 6:16: “Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?”
I thought, Why am I offering myself to sin? It is such an irrational choice. Why do I keep serving Satan, if Jesus has indeed died for me? Eventually I came to see my sin as crucifying afresh the Son of God. How could I hurt the one who loved me and gave himself for me? I began to feel genuine sorrow for the pain I caused the Lord and begged God to restore me, to make me clean again.
Nevertheless, I kept flirting with sin. I would watch borderline things, certain TV shows and YouTube videos, going to certain sites knowing that I would be tempted. And I also realized, why do I cry out to God after I have been tempted and fallen? The name of the Lord is a strong tower, you must cry out to God before you are tempted, and when you are tempted.
Soon afterwards, I listened to a sermon by Sabastien Braxton. I don’t just listen to a sermon by Sebastien Braxton. I think I’ve inhaled every one of his sermons on Audioverse, except a handful. In one of his sermons, he talks about accountability. Since he travels very frequently, often away from his family, he has his friends text him to ask him how things went through the day, or where he went to, all to keep him accountable. After hearing him explain how important it is to have accountability as brothers, I entertained the idea, but because I was still very ashamed, I pushed it off and figured I could take care of this problem on my own.
Koreans like myself are obsessed with image. Opinions about oneself and others, are shaped by perception of one’s image. I was scared, that my carefully crafted reputation would be shredded. I was so scared, that once I was fully and deeply known, people would judge me.
I was like Naaman. On the outside he was an accomplished general (although I’m not as accomplished as Naaman was). On the outside he was exalted by his country and king. But deep inside, he knew who the man was within the armor. A leper. And he knew that if he was ever found out, that he’d be cast out of society, out of his position, as lepers were.
I yearned for victory. I longed for the day when this sin no longer would have power over me. I was like the woman with the issue of blood, who thought if she could just get cured of this disease- if I could be forgiven of this sin- then I would be a new man, a new woman. Because if Jesus can get me victory over this, then I would serve him, for the rest of my life.
But you know, just a desire is not enough. Steps to Christ, in the chapter Consecration, Ellen White says, “Many will be lost while hoping and desiring to be Christians.” You have got to yield the whole heart. All your desires, your will, you must surrender it to Jesus.
We sin because it feels good—it’s that simple. It gratifies the flesh. Same thing with me. I loved the pleasures of sin. For me, I valued the judgment of men more highly than God. I loved the pleasures of sin, and the praise of men more than Jesus. Jesus said to me, as he asked Peter, “Ted, do you love me more than these?” And honestly, I couldn’t answer him. I realized, eventually this thing is going to keep me out of heaven. I will lose salvation over this. Finally, God humbled me and I said, I’d rather have Jesus. And I know, you’d rather have Jesus too.
So this year, in January I proposed to that same close friend, that we should text each other about my status several times a week, whether I’d been victorious or not that day. And I was honest. When I fell, I told him. There would be streaks of victory, and when those streaks of victory turned into streaks of defeat, he kept encouraging me. He never got angry with me. He prayed with me over the phone multiple times. When it seemed like I was falling frequently, he asked me straight (because I told him I was flirting around the edges), “Are you surrendered to God?” “You need to make a full surrender to God”, and then he said, “Sometimes, you just need to spend more time in the Word.” This is true, it’s hard to watch porn after reading the Bible. You need to be completely brazen to do that. You should try it. Try reading things like “If any man be in Christ, Behold, he is a new creature, old things are passed away; behold all things are become new.” Or spend some time reading Romans 8, about living after the flesh vs living after the Spirit. Try spitting in the face of Jesus after you read about Jesus crying out “My God my God why hast thou forsaken me.” It becomes a lot harder to watch porn after just reading that. Or any sin.
Praise God, that my texts gradually reported victory after victory, and I’ve stayed clean since late February. I was ecstatic. Have you experienced victory? Would you be free from the burden of sin? It is the best experience in the world. This is the reason Jesus came to this world, “to be a high priest able to sympathize with our weaknesses, and who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” Hebrews 4:15. This is the “peace of God which passeth all understanding.”
A lot of congenital Christians flock to hear dramatic testimonies, and testimonies about glamorous lifestyles in the world. Somehow, drinking and partying are the acceptable sins, but no one talks about sexual sins, about secret lust. About the innermost struggle of the soul. We don’t like to talk about them because they’re so personal and intimate. But this is a huge problem. If you look at the statistics within the church, it’s devastating. According to a poll by the Barna Group in 2016,
1 in 5 youth pastors and 1 in 7 senior pastors use porn on a regular basis and are currently struggling. That’s more than 50,000 U.S. church leaders. 43% of senior pastors and youth pastors say they have struggled with pornography in the past.
A poll in 2014, from the same organization found 64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women view pornography at least once a month (compared to 65% of non-Christian men and 30% of non-Christian women).
God forbid… that the stats for the Adventist church are the same, or worse. As you’re reading this, you might be judging me. I don’t really care. And if you gossip about me, you’ll still never capture how I depraved I truly am.
I also talked to three of my other friends individually about my sin and asked them to start becoming accountable. One friend straightaway told me, he appreciated it, but he didn’t want to do it, because he thought it was too embarrassing, and two, he tried in the past to quit but failed and so was resigned to the fact. One guy I kept texting, but he consistently responded late, and eventually stopped responding and texting me altogether. One friend, we have been keeping each other accountable regularly.
God’s dealings with me, also forced me to be more gracious. I am naturally inclined to judge other people. Even now I have to tell myself to look at people with the eyes of Jesus, with pity and compassion. Just as Jesus had mercy on me, and was incredibly patient with me, I need to be patient too with people that are struggling.
You might be thinking, why are you sharing this with us, and why now? I thought about not talking about this, how it’d be more persuasive sharing this at another time, how I would have more clout to share this testimony after a full year of staying clean. At another convenient time, an opportune time, just like how Governor Felix put off responding to Apostle Paul’s appeal. But the Holy Spirit was prompting me to share, and you can’t make him wait. Behold, now is the accepted time, today is the day of salvation.
Satan accuses me, how do you know that you won’t fall again, like you did before? It is true, I could fall anytime. But as I look back at the times I’ve fallen, a pattern emerges. Usually when I fall it is when I’ve had too much time on my hands, and/or I was alone in my room, with no accountability. What a more conducive time to watch porn than now? In fact, porn usage has been surging recently because of the coronavirus. But I’ve never had a better time than now. And since God has kept me pure during the worst time, amidst the worst possible circumstance for resisting temptation, I know that God can preserve me until the day of his appearing.
Victory over sin does not mean that you will never be assailed again. Do you think Satan is going to clap and pat you on the back and move on to the next victim? Do you think Apostle Paul lived a comfortable life after his conversion? Satan will probably redouble his efforts. But as long as you fix your eyes upon Jesus, God will preserve you. He cannot but have compassion on you and take you under his wings. If by the power of the will you force your eyes to look away from self, and look upward, you will live.
One day, we will all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. We will be pleasantly surprised to see some, who we thought were far away from Christ, to be counted among the redeemed. We will also be surprised to see that brother or that sister, who we thought were so spiritually advanced, lost. What will it be like in the judgment day, when we find out that our brother was clinging onto some secret sin, that we never knew about? Are we really our brother’s keeper?
I am sharing because the church needs victory. Not only over lust, but over every cherished idol and sin which so doth easily beset us. And until we lay our idols down at the feet of Jesus for him to burn, until we stop persisting in known sin, we will not go on conquering. People in the church- and my heart goes out to the men especially- are not getting the victories that they need and which Christianity promises to deliver. Why do our churches languish, and why are our ministries powerless? I think partly, because there are many Achans in our midst. These struggles and sins which exist among those individuals are our responsibility too, as a church. Not only the individual sinner, but also the whole church, suffer as a result.
Why did God choose to wait so long to give me the victory? I consider this to be a dark stain on my life, the worst mistake I’ve ever made. After pleading for 10 years, why now? But the problem was not with God, it was with me. He painfully waited until I made a full surrender. We also know from the Bible and Spirit of Prophecy that the final movements will be rapid ones, and that the Holy Spirit will be poured out on some, while from others he will be sadly withdrawing.
“Therefore, holy brothers, you who share in a heavenly calling, consider Jesus, the apostle and high priest of our confession,” Apostle Paul commends us to daily meditate upon Jesus. Who has His thoughts? Who is the object of our deep meditation? Who is truly Lord and Master of our lives?
Review and Herald, May 13, 1890 states: “Those who take no pleasure in thinking and talking of God in this life, will not enjoy the life that is to come, where God is ever present, dwelling among His people. But those who love to think of God will be in their element, breathing in the atmosphere of heaven.”
“If Christ is to be our head and Prince in the heavenly courts, it becomes us to inquire, What is Christ to us now? Can we say as we contemplate our Redeemer, “Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee”?” In Heavenly Places p. 142.5
You cannot guilt or cajole someone to follow Jesus, or to spend more time with him. You will realize their need of Christ, once you acknowledge your sin, and how Christ has redeemed you not with corruptible things, but with his precious blood.
A sketch from a biography of Ulysses S. Grant illustrates this point. After Grant is promoted commander of Union forces, he orders William Tecumseh Sherman, one of his subordinate generals, to pacify Georgia. It recalls that when General Sherman made his now famous march from Atlanta to Savannah, his march to the sea, ex-slaves flocked to his army and followed him everywhere, so much so that he complained that they were hampering his progress. No one told these slaves to follow Sherman. They could’ve have stayed in their now ownerless plantations, or went anywhere. We are no different. Christ has set us free, and we would be like the demoniacs who sat calmly at their new master’s feet, and would dread being away from our master. We would be like the one who has been forgiven much, and love him much as a result of it.
I just graduated from med school last week, and while I feel like I haven’t accomplished great or many things as did my classmates, and although the coronavirus has dampened the second part of my fourth year, I am the happiest and most satisfied because God has allowed me to finish medical school on a victorious note. Because he has given me the long-awaited gift, an incorruptible gift, the victory over my sin.
There’s a quote from a man I admire very much, his name is David Park (no relation). He says: “The gospel! The gospel! Oh, praise the Lord, that because of the gospel, I am not now, that which I have been, and tomorrow, I will not be who I am today.”
Ted Park (ted.park.va@gmail.com) is a family medicine resident in Southern California, and attends the Riverside Korean Seventh-day Adventist Church.