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I Will Carry You

As I lay on the exam table, frantically scanning the off-white, outdated, rectangular ceiling tiles, I kept thinking, “This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening.”  The nurse was pressing the Fetal Doppler against every inch of my abdomen.  I was pregnant with our fourth son.  I was in for a routine prenatal visit.  After a couple minutes, the nurse still couldn’t locate his heartbeat. Two more nurses came in and tried.  “Don’t lose hope,” she had said.  After a few minutes, they took me in for an ultrasound to confirm what I had dreaded.  All hope was lost.  Our son had passed away.  I called my husband who was at home with our other three boys.

As I sat there in the waiting room, I went into emotional shock. My body turned numb and my vision was foggy.  I felt like I was going in and out of a dream.  As my mind came back to focus, we were still sitting in that little waiting room and the doctor was still talking to us and explaining our options.  This was really happening.  I held my belly that carried our lifeless son and wept.   

That was Friday, February 21, 2014.  We decided to have our son delivered on the following Monday.  We could have scheduled it earlier, but we decided to wait.  I needed time.  I wanted these last few days, this last Sabbath, this last weekend with him.  I wanted to carry him a little longer as I sorted through everything that was happening.  I spent a lot of time in prayer and claiming promises in God’s Word.  That dark weekend, I found renewed hope and courage in God.  I knew He understood my heart and He gave me hope that this wouldn’t be the last time I’d be near my son.  As I carried him for the final time, I asked our Almighty God to carry me.  He drew very close to me.  In my moment of deepest despair, I put my trust in Him and I found peace.   

By faith, I know I will get to hold our youngest son again.  However, I recognize that getting there won’t be an easy road.  It hasn’t been easy.  Grief comes and goes.  This life is filled with a myriad of trials and temptations.  As we are nearing the end of time, Satan is attacking with full force and he will use anyone and anything to bring us down.  But through this experience, I get a taste of God’s undying love, because He created us and we are His own.  I feel an ounce of His desire to carry and protect us until we are made whole.  And I understand a glimpse of Christ’s longing to be reunited with His children.  It is a Love worth trading our selfish, sin-sickened lives for.

So, as you go on your life’s journey, at each step of the way, I encourage you to ask God to carry you.  If you do, I am confident that even on your darkest of days, He will never let you down. 

“…I have made you and I will carry you: I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”  Isaiah 46:4

Judy, along with her husband and their three boys, live and minister in DeWitt, MI.


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