I’m Over 21 and I Want to Leave Home. How Do I Have This Conversation With My Parents?
I’m a female college student over 21, but I live at home and commute to school, and even have a part-time job. My parents give me curfews and we fight a lot. They still treat me like I’m a teenager, and I’m seriously considering moving out. Church has become a chore and I don’t like going there anymore. I can tell my parents don’t like going either, but they just want to save face. I don’t consider my home a healthy environment and as much as I want to heal my relationship with them, I’m not happy. Should I leave? Because I know they’ll see it as a slap in the face, but they don’t see how unhappy I am.
Thank you for this question, which is about family relationships. I can say from experience what it was like going through those teen years myself at my own home. I think all teen Korean American kids go through these situations to some degree or less. So don’t feel like you are alone in all this; chances are many of your friends are going through the same things.
No matter your age, if you live at home with your parents, they will continue to question where you go and what time you should come home. Even if you are 30 or 40, your parents will always treat you as a child. There is a right moment when you should move out of your parent’s home; but only you know when that is. It depends upon your circumstances in life with school, job and opportunities. It may not be the right time for you just yet; you are 21 and may not be fully independent. But if there is an opportunity for you to move out and live with a friend who can help you financially, then things may work out. The right time will come when you can move on from your parent’s home. Be patient and let it come.
For now, you are at home. You need to improve your relationship with your parents. Both sides need to be honest, open and respectful. Let them know how you feel and what you need to be happy. If they are unwilling to listen and respect your thoughts, then a mediator may be necessary; a third party who can be unbiased. Communication is key here; let them know how you feel and you listen to what they want from you. Can you come to a compromise and agree on a few areas; then move forward with agreements while you live together.
If church is no longer a spiritual experience for you, then make changes in your personal walk with God and find a different church that feeds you spiritually. Find a spiritual friend who can help because many times we cannot do it on our own; others can help immensely. Even pastors need a spiritual partner to encourage and uplift us during difficult times. Again, communication is key here; tell God what you seek and desire, let Him know what you need and He will hear you. Listen to God’s Spirit speaking to you through nature, the Bible and spiritual friends. They will lead to you Christ.
Finally, when you move out, let your parents know you love them. Tell them verbally, “I love you.” Koreans are notorious for not expressing emotions, especially through words. Your relationship with them will improve once you move out. Just share your feelings with them...communicate.