Love Without Force
We were at Barnes & Noble, and Matthew wanted to read Captain Underpants yet again. I grimaced at the cartoon drawing of the smirking baby holding a toilet plunger. “Matthew, what about this instead? Oh look, it’s a mystery book!” I pulled out The Egypt Game, which was decorated with a promising Newberry honor award, and tried to drum up my little brother’s excitement. “Hey this has some interesting Egyptian mythology. It might be similar to the Greek mythology you like.”
Matthew took one glance at the cover and decided it did not look as fun as his original pick. “No Victoria...I want to read Captain Underpants. Don’t force me to read one of your ‘educational’ books.” He would not yield, regardless of my recommendations from Maniac Magee to House of the Scorpions.
I tried compromise. “Matthew, I really would prefer you not re-read a book like Captain Underpants. How about you try two chapters of a few other books first to see if you like them? If not, you can read whatever you want.” He refused.
I tried bribery. “Please? If you read two chapters of three other books, I’ll buy you a cookie from the cafe and I’ll buy whichever new book you like.” Matthew hesitated, then came back with, “Can I just read the books I want and you buy me a cookie?”
At this point my patience had evaporated. Since my family moved a few years ago, I’ve been worried about the lack of educational opportunities and academic rigor at my brother’s new school and his insistence on Captain Underpants confirmed the worst of my fears. I imagined his brains rotting away with every fart joke contained in that book’s pages. In my mind, I was doing what was right in expanding my brother’s literature horizons, even if I had to use force.
Finally, I resorted to threats. “Matthew, you will not read Captain Underpants or I will have mom take away all your video games tomorrow. You are going to at least try three different books you haven’t read before. You can read whatever you want only after you’ve read at least two chapters of the other books. ” Matthew screwed up his face in anger. “No! I want to go home then and I won’t read anything.”
I refused to yield and managed to coerce Matthew by leveraging my dominant position as his older sister. But in my pursuit of getting my brother to read something other than bathroom humor comic books, I was squelching out love in our relationship and sabotaging the fundamental goal of encouraging Matthew’s love for learning. While his behavior was compliant, his heart was hardened.
Ellen White described God’s predicament in dealing with the universe’s first unruly child. Jealousy and pride prompted Satan to spread misapprehensions of God’s character as tyrannical, severe, and arbitrary, deceiving angels and men alike to turn away from their Father. Yet God did not use threat and coercion to change Satan’s behavior despite the exorbitant damage he was doing. God’s government is predicated on the law of self-sacrificial love, a principle that cannot be forced out of fear.
In her words, “The exercise of force is contrary to the principles of God’s government; He desires only the service of love; and love cannot be commanded; it cannot be won by force or authority. Only by love is love awakened. To know God is to love Him; His character must be manifested in contrast to the character of Satan. This work only one being in all the universe could do. Only He who knew the height and depth of the love of God could make it known. Upon the world’s dark night the Sun of Righteousness must rise, ‘with healing in His wings.’ Mal. 4:2” (DOA 1.22.1).
Only by love is love awakened. This statement came to me as I thought over the day and I realized I was in the wrong in using my position of authority to force Matthew to do what I wanted him to do. I hadn’t acted in love. Later that evening, I apologized. “You know that I want you to try new things and read books other than Captain Underpants. But I’m not going to ever force you to read anymore. I’m sorry for yelling.”
Instantly Matthew let his guard down and embraced me in a warm hug. “I’m sorry too. Thank you.” The change in his attitude was palpable and we ended the day reading an Uncle Arthur’s bedtime story together before he went to sleep.
A week later when we returned to the bookstore, Matthew willingly picked out books he had never tried and read them enthusiastically. God’s principle of love always wins.
Victoria Chung hails from Poughkeepsie, NY and is a first year medical student at Loma Linda University.