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Now What?

It was four months after the Faith Trip ended. I was in my apartment in Davis, CA, sitting in my reading chair one night when I came across this passage: “But like Enoch, God’s people will seek for purity of heart and conformity to His will, until they shall reflect the likeness of Christ.” (Patriarchs and Prophets, 89) “…Until they shall reflect”: This is the conclusive remark from the Patriarchs and Prophets where my eyes kept lingering. Here I was, seated in the same position, in the same chair, reading the very quote that enthralled me just months earlier on the Faith Trip.  I was captivated by this idea that I might become perfected in His image, feeble and wretched and guilty though I am before God. My heart was heavy.

Here I am now, four months removed from the Faith Trip, trying to relive the moments when those words used to induce within me a great, passion-filled love and joy. It’s almost distasteful for me to admit, but it’s true. I was seated on my chair like stagnant water. When I realize my own numbness, the seriousness of my spiritual condition, I mumble a few apologetic prayers – sometimes in despair, sometimes in fear. It was deadly and poisonous returning back to the old days, to what David Kim calls the “Congenital Christian Life.” What went wrong? Why was I not joyful anymore to read the same promises of God?

What frustrated me the most was the fact that it was all too familiar. During the Faith Trip, I remember talking about this inescapable inclination to sin, each coming to an agreement that we would just have to fix our eyes on God at all times. I was the one to suggest we keep each other accountable, that we falter not and keep strong in our faith, clinging unto Jesus every moment. Yet here I was, barely after a month or two, struggling to even digest a single verse from the Bible. I was in constant relapse week after week. So in my meager effort, I’ve decided to deny all my feelings, and just simply go by the book.

It seemed to work a little, but didn’t last until I fell flat on my face again. Nothing in my efforts sustained that peace or that intimacy with God. Ever so slowly, bitterness, resentment, frustration, and anger built up in me, messing with my head as I tried to keep up with the appearance of being a leader at church. I was spiritually wearing out , and I began to have anxieties. The Enemy kept accusing me, telling me I was doing it all wrong. All the while I knew not to succumb to those lies.  But I could not give myself up to God. That was another shock that led me sinking in a deeper swamp: even after the realization of my spiritual condition, I was butting heads with my own pride, which was disguised as my shame. Just like when Adam and Eve both were guilt-ridden from eating the fruit, hid from God. Likewise, I ran away from God and my friends, hiding my sins and myself.

In that sense, the first step of my healing process had been to first admit that I was not okay. I tried coming to terms with the conflicting emotions that I was dealing with, but I found that even in this, I was helpless. There was no willful desire in me to change. I realized that I hadn’t opened my Bible for the better part of a week.  I hadn’t really spent time communicating with God either.  I was basically just going through the motions. It was no wonder that I was confused, feeling void, insecure, and anxious. It was no wonder that doubts filled my mind even when someone would present me a Scripture. It was because I was not letting the Living Word transform me. In my paltry defense, I was drawing excuses from being too busy with school, or that I am too exhausted from serving in ministries. I was doing it all backwards. But how do I reverse it? In all honesty, I was too weary to make any more claims and promises, and I was tired of beating myself up after many failed attempts.

If you have these problems and struggles, I can’t claim to have the perfect solution. I think we know very well what the “right” thing to do is. Too often, we already know the answer to our problem, don’t we? But we circle around the long perimeter to feel more righteous in our penitence. Ironically, our knowledge is what besets us from falling to our knees, because we acknowledge the hypocrisy, and we’re often too prideful to admit our wrong. As a result, we are reluctant to present ourselves at His feet.

So if you resonated with me because you may be struggling in your walk – here is some comfort that I’ve received: Jesus’ disciples ate, drank, slept, and lived with God for three years. Yet after He was crucified, it took them less than three days to return to fishing. Fishing! Jesus spent a whole three years with them to teach them how to be fishers of men, and without a second thought after Jesus’ death, they turn right back to their own occupation. So that should give you and I hope–because God was still able to use those pathetic, self-seeking humans (because aren’t we all?) to establish the church and spread the Gospel throughout the world. What does He require of me then? Discipline. Specifically, a discipline to be persevering and to obey Him; for, as long as I endure, God says, “not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit.” (Zechariah 4:6).

Meena Chong is a third-year undergraduate at University of California, Davis studying Sociology and Political Science. Currently serving as the president of the Adventist Christian Fellowship on campus, though she prefers to introduce herself as a servant-leader. Meena grew up in Garden Grove Korean SDA church, and since college has been blessed to be a part of the Sacramento Korean SDA(Open Door Ministry) youth ministry to serve and to grow.