One Way to Talk to Your Emotional Teen: Befriend
Excerpt from How to Stop Yelling & Start Connecting with Your Highly-Emotional Teen
By the time David had finished reporting to Saul, Jonathan was deeply impressed with David—an immediate bond was forged between them. He became totally committed to David. From that point on he would be David’s number-one advocate and friend. – 1 Samuel 18:1 (MSG)
You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! – Matthew 5:43-44
Befriend the anxious, depressed, traumatized parts of your teen—and yourself
The third step in the E.M.B.R.A.C.E. approach is befriend. If you get nothing else from this book, this step is one to remember—to befriend and embrace your teen the way they are in this moment, because the way they are behaving and speaking is not all of them, it’s only a part of them that needs healing.
What does that mean? It means, after you breathe/exhale and move toward your own discomfort, try to befriend that part that feels uncomfortable. Again, this applies both literally and spiritually.
On a literal level, you try to befriend your teen in a very practical and visible literal sense. Take time to get to know them, what they like, what they don’t—be curious. It will help you build a richer relationship.
On a spiritual level, befriend even the parts that irritate or agitate you; the parts that feel like the enemy. Let the Spirit guide you as you get in the habit of “nestling” near your teen, or just “being-with” without expectations, even if you just had a significant conflict. Just be there like Job’s friends were when he was suffering (at first, anyway—and it turned out that was the most helpful thing they did, as opposed to a lot of unhelpful talk. See Job 2:11-13). So sit together silently. Breathe together, without lectures. The better you can just “be” with the parts of your teen that are troubled, the better you can understand your teen, because that silence helps build trust. Much like the co-regulation of mother and baby, breathing together can create a sacred space when God’s Spirit is there. And from that Spirit-led shared space, where you’re not judging, lecturing, or attacking, your teen may share something with you because they feel safe.
Let the Holy Spirit inside you befriend the very thing that is most annoying you in your teen. Get to know these prickly difficult parts. What are they doing there? How long have they been around? What are they trying to show everyone, especially you? Does the Spirit lead you to be curious about those parts from a distance by moving away, or by moving closer?
Whether literally or spiritually, we need to spend time with them in their world. The Christian organization Young Life has a saying that adults need to earn their way into speaking into teens’ lives. What they mean is—it’s difficult to hold kids to standards without being in a meaningful relationship with them.
In the Bible
One of the most beautiful friendships in the Bible emerges between two of the most unlikely people to be friends. As King Saul’s son, Jonathan was naturally next in line to the throne. But along comes a new kid out of nowhere named David, who strikes down a giant and saves the day for the nation of Israel. Not only does David continue to win battles, but he also wins the king’s favor. Soon, however, David’s popularity overtakes Saul’s, and the enraged king seeks to kill the young man.
Jonathan had every human reason to join his father in anger and envy against David, who they may have perceived as “annoying” or “infuriating.” Instead, curious about God’s favor on David, Jonathan befriended him. Jonathan kept his mind and heart open toward David and sought to protect him from his own father’s murderous plans. This resulted in a loyal friendship with both young men vowing a commitment that lasted throughout generations. Jonathan was said to have loved David as his own soul. Later, after Jonathan’s death, David honored the commitment by caring for Jonathan’s family.
The story of David and Jonathan is an example of how befriending what on the surface should be your “enemy” can evolve into something beautiful and God-honoring. When we can befriend parts that are “bad” on the behavioral front instead of immediately condemning them, a softening, healing effect begins in the relationship. This seems counterintuitive to us, but God’s way is not our way. We see this all over the Bible, but especially in Christ himself, who did not die for the “good people” but for sinners. (For just a couple of the many examples of God’s counterintuitive approach, see Romans 5:7-8, and Matthew 5:43-44.
In session
Ty had been gaming all weekend even though he had a project due Monday. Sara repeatedly reminded him of his deadline, then switched to full-blown nagging, then finally gave up after realizing she was getting upset. She moved away from what felt like a wall, but did not know what else to do, so she brought it up at the start of their next session, which Ed was not able to attend due to work.
After listening to Sara’s tale, Dr. Paul turned to Ty. “I’d love to know more about what kind of games you like to play, Ty.” Sara looked on in some bewilderment, feeling a little betrayed by Dr. Paul’s laissez-faire attitude about her son’s future.
Ty answered in some technical lingo that Sara did not understand. Something about League of Legends being old, and Minecraft making a comeback. She felt herself zone out, disappointed and dissociated from what she felt was boy talk. What she did not realize was that Dr. Paul was befriending the very part of Ty responsible for all the gaming—one of Ty’s Firefighters. She did notice that Ty was becoming more animated as he described the game characters and talked about the type of people he was meeting online while playing. “Sounds like a lot of fun!” Dr. Paul responded. “So, when do you notice you turn on the video games then? After school?”
“I dunno. When I’m bored. I get bored a lot on the weekend, when dad is out golfing, mom is doing her church stuff, and my friends are at the football game. I only play baseball, so I get bored during the off-season. And my friends are usually all playing online too.”
“Describe boredom to me, Ty. How do you experience it?”
“What do you mean?”
“What sensations, feelings, images, thoughts do you have when you’re bored? Do you feel anything in and around your body? Even as you are telling me now about how bored you get on the weekend, what do you notice happening inside? I’m curious.”
Ty thought about this for a long moment. “I dunno. I guess I have kind of a hollow feeling in my stomach.” He paused. “And also, I start shaking my leg, like this,” he added, bouncing his left leg up and down rapidly. “And I start spinning my pencil.”
“Is that how it feels on the weekends?”
“Usually when I have to do schoolwork. It’s just so boring!”
Dr. Paul noticed Ty’s leg was still bouncing, and he looked uncomfortable. “Ty, I’m wondering even as you are describing this, do you notice any other impulses or thoughts inside?”
Suddenly Ty jumped to his feet. “I feel like throwing up,” he answered as he rushed out of the office.
Sara was already on her feet to follow him when Dr. Paul motioned her to sit back down. “He’s sick!” she protested, eyeing the door Ty had just disappeared through, then looked back at the therapist. “Why did he suddenly get sick?”
“I don’t know, but the physical symptoms are not unlike that of an anxious response.”
“Anxious? Anxious about what we’re talking about?”
“Do you think it seems there’s a part of him that reacts with anxiety to schoolwork?” Dr. Paul asked.
Sara shook her head. “No. I mean why would he? He’s done so well all his life without much effort. Until recently, excellent grades. He’s smart. He’s gifted.”
“So, is that how he’s been described growing up?”
“Yes, of course. Why?”
“Sometimes when we label our kids, even with positive labels, it can prevent the ‘growth mindset’ where we want to affirm our kids’ growth and efforts,” Dr. Paul explained. “Instead, those labels focus us more on results or some fixed characteristic we may believe they are born with. If we do that, it is effectively giving that part of him with that characteristic the “identifying” reign over all other parts.” Dr. Paul paused as Sara shifted in her seat. “It does not give the opportunity for exiled parts to be seen, to grow, or to become more integrated within himself or with others. And it can create pressure, which can result in an explosion or implosion of sorts. We want to release pressure, so there can be more balance.”
As Dr. Paul finished speaking, Ty returned to the office and sat down. “Are you feeling a little better, Ty?” he asked gently. When Ty nodded, Dr. Paul returned to the topic of video games Ty liked, and the kind of friends he was making online. Ty’s leg slowly stopped bouncing. Sara sat watching and thinking. Was Ty gaming so much because he actually gets anxious about his schoolwork? She wasn’t sure she could believe that. But did talking about his intelligence or giftedness really make the problem worse?
At home
The next morning Sara drank her coffee and reflected on the fact that a part of her was a little jealous of how Dr. Paul interacted with her son. Feeling herself getting agitated, she tried to breathe and get centered, letting the jealousy ease back. She stood up and headed upstairs, partly fearful of what she’d find. She continued to breathe and started using the short breath prayers she’d learned. “Lord, I breathe in your grace, and I breathe out my frustration,” she said under her breath as she approached her son’s room. Her Manager softened a bit.
It was still a familiar scene. Ty was in bed with his back to her, clearly playing games on his phone and not getting ready for school. She considered what Dr. Paul had suggested, that school gave him anxiety, and that gaming was how he coped, and she felt compassion for him instead of anger, as she remembered how he’d bolted from the room feeling nauseous. She thought again of herself as a teen and tried to recall if she ever had something she liked doing. She couldn’t think of anything she did back then except to keep the peace and try not to anger her father. That’s how she coped as a teen. She didn’t remember doing anything for fun. And she suddenly realized that perhaps this was related to her profound annoyance with Ty’s gaming, which she viewed it as a big waste of time.
After contemplating all this for a moment, she chose to try to help him rather than tell him what to do. “Honey, it’s time to get ready for school,” she said quietly but firmly, then turned and walked back downstairs, leaving Ty more than a little surprised.
As the week went on, she became more curious about what Ty was playing, instead of trying to manage it. One morning when she found him in bed again, she asked, “Is that the same game you were telling Dr. Paul about?”
Ty’s usual defenses were caught off guard. “No,” he responded slowly. “It’s a different one.” He sat up and grew a little more animated as he told her about it.
Ty made it to school that day, albeit a bit late. Sara kept breathing and trying to stay engaged. And oddly, that day Ty seemed to have “a good day.”
Even though Ed was still busy on the weekends, Sara decided to make a little more time by resigning from some of her volunteer positions at church. With the extra time, she took Ty out to see a movie, and got a burger afterward. She asked him a little more about his video games, and which of his school friends played online as well. Most of his answers were limited to one or two words, but she felt their relationship starting to heal as she made the effort to befriend even this part that she’d so resented before she understood what it was doing for Ty.
Ed noticed a little more easiness in the relationship between his wife and son, and he initially responded by feeling angry about them spending time without him. However, over the past weeks he’d thought about the lion in Dr. Paul’s office, and now he took a deep breath and contemplated something that felt quite uncomfortable—changing his golf schedule. The weekend after Ty and Sara’s movie date, Ed decided to take a weekend off from golf and offered to take the family to a football game. He’d been listening to some of conversations between Ty and Sara about video games, and during their football outing he offered his two cents a few times as well. “From what you’re saying, Ty, sounds like your game is not that different from a sports game – you’re still playing to win!”
“Yeah, it’s hard to leave in the middle of the game, because then you have to start all over again. You get penalized.”
“Yeah, I get that. That makes it hard to win,” Ed smiled.
For a moment father and son connected, albeit awkwardly. But a little hope was stirring in both of their inward parts.
Explanation
Ed and Sara are both so caught up in their own day-to-day life that they’ve stopped taking time to get to know their own teen son. And this is true of many parents of teens. They assume they know their child already because they diapered the baby, got the young child through elementary school, and saw them through their “formative” years. What parents may be missing is that the teen years are also pretty formative, and our teens need to know their parents still care for and respect them. Even if they do not want to be helicoptered, teens want and need to know they are loved and cared for. Of course, the way they want to be shown love and care may look different, not only from their childhood but from each individual teen to teen. This is why befriending is a process of getting to know and bond with your teen.
Jesus’ way of befriending was not the same for everyone he met. He met them where they were, and got to know them there, wherever “there” was, and however messy its state. We should strive to do the same with our kids.
Application
Imagine Jesus sitting down next to you, offering His peaceful, gentle presence. Pray and thank Him for being right there with you. Then befriend Him in this way—tell Him more about yourself. (Yes, He already knows—but this exercise is for you!)
What makes you happy? Not only as a parent but in general. Why?
If you had all the resources in the world, what would like to do?
What do you want to show others about yourself?
What do you hope for?
What are some pet peeves?? What are some favorites (color, movie, verse, memory, quote, book, hobby, etc.)
Now try befriending your own teen parts.
Remembering those teen years, whether good or bad or in-between – what did you used to like?
What would you say to that teen part of you?
Practice being present for your teen without an agenda.
Even if they do not feel like participating in an activity with you, be available” to them.
Let the Spirit guide you in when and how to engage and be with them in a way that feels comfortable and inviting to them.
Get curious and stay curious about them and their interests!
Samantha Woo is a family counselor, and author of How to Stop Yelling & Start Connecting with Your Highly-Emotional Teen: Healing Anxiety, Depression & Trauma Using The E.M.B.R.A.C.E. Parenting™ Method, available on Amazon. She talks more about this on youtube, and her website is https://www.swcwellness.com/