Pressure of My Christian Walk
For the majority of my Christian walk, I felt that I had to be perfect. I needed to be kind, loving, compassionate, empathetic, accepting—basically Christ-like. I needed to live with a “What would Jesus do?” mentality forever. And when I failed, like when I couldn’t muster the energy to be happy-go-lucky with a friend, found myself excessively lazy, or lusting after a movie character, I felt horrible. I felt sinful. I felt that I had allowed Satan to breach my Jesus walls.
We learn in many modes of our spiritual journey that Christianity is a constant battle between good and evil; God versus Satan: The Great Controversy. Pastors will tell you, over and over again that there is no grey area in Christianity. You’re either for God, or you’re not. That’s where the pressures started. I didn’t want to be overcome by Satan. I didn’t want my life to reflect evil. I just wanted to be innocent and pure.
I felt more pressure to fit this mold than I did from my “type-A” parents, because whereas stresses about whether I needed to become a doctor or dentist determined my future on this earth, the need to be a good Christian determined my future in Heaven.
If I was struggling with something, I dared not show it to other people, especially members of my church. I didn’t want my negative problems to rub off on them, making it seem okay to lose faith in God. I felt bad enough already that I was struggling, but to bring other Christians into my mess? That seemed like the ultimate sin. At one point, I decided being a Christian didn’t make me happy. It made me feel bad about myself, because I would criticize every natural thought and behavior. So I just dropped it completely. It was too hard for me, and I was too burnt out to try it another way.
But the truth states this: “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” 1 John 1:8 (NIV)
I refused to admit that I was a sinful person and continued to assert that I had the means of becoming perfect: If I were nicer, if I just directed my thoughts towards more pleasant things, if I did this, if I did that. I used Jesus as an excuse to glorify my own abilities to reach perfection. I was practicing extrinsic Christianity.
But Jesus asks us to know Him on a much deeper level. At this level, the character of Christ becomes an actuality, not just an idea one mimics in his or her life. It’s impossible to become disappointed in my failures, because those failures are what draw me closer to God.