Shi Jip Sal im
My initial thought in writing this article was that I was going to write about my Mom, a woman who gives me the sense of being completely known and completely accepted by another. In that sense, my role as my mother’s daughter is the closest to knowing how God loves me. But these days, I have another mother who has a much greater impact on my life, my husband’s mom. Through living with my mother-in-law, I have learned much about myself and about God.
To say that doing “shi jip sal im” (living with the in-laws) in my late forties was a big challenge, is putting it mildly. As many of you may know, “shi jip sal im” in a Korean family means there are a lot of expectations. I’m still navigating the boundaries of where I would assert my independence or bow down to obligation. A lot of people say I have a docile nature, yet I find myself fighting resentment and outright rebellion at being told how dark my lipstick should be, how to cook my dduk gook, how to discipline my children, etc. My mother-in-law and I almost had an outright war about how to throw out garbage. And we are still fighting over my refusal to learn how to make kimchee.
“When are you going to learn to make kimchee? You know that Eric can’t eat that stuff that’s store bought,” says my mother-in-law.
“Uh-muh-nim (mother), I think he will survive eating store bought kimchee, “ I say with clenched teeth.
“Tsk, tsk,tsk… I sent my only son to an expensive private college and what does he come back with? A little, non-functioning doll,” my mother-in-law says.
But to be fair, I have learned a lot from my mother-in-law that I didn’t learn from my own mother. My mother-in-law is a prayer warrior and spends hours praying for each family member and church member, daily. Even though she’s had many struggles and challenges in her life including having her husband thrown in jail for Sabbath keeping, she credits God for pulling her through. Not only does she pray constantly, she uses her creative skills to make Christian bookmarks and flyers. Even as of writing this article, she interrupted me twice to make copies for her so she could distribute the flyers. While I may resent the interruptions, I admire her passion and drive to spread the gospel. I may not agree with her methods and ideas, but I really appreciate her love for God and how that is the central focus of her life.
I also really appreciate her dedication and thoughtfulness towards her family. Even with her severe arthritis, she is hobbling around on two canes, she makes soybean paste from scratch, does her gardening well into dusk, and cook all-natural dishes for the family. Her spirit of sacrifice and dedication to feeding her family healthy food is something that I want to emulate when I get to be her age. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am learning to cook more healthy by sharing the same kitchen with her. She does have a wealth of experience that I am benefitting from.
Our last kimchee “event” is kind of a microcosm of my relationship with my mother-in-law. After we made the batch of kimchee, she remarked, “Thanks for helping me to make the kimchee. It would have been so hard to do it by myself, with my arthritis.” A feeling of rightness and satisfaction came over me. It felt good to be useful, needed and appreciated.
I see that God is helping me to grow in many ways while I do “shi jip sal im.” First of all, it reveals to me that I need to be more patient and understanding. If I had thought that I was a good Christian, bearing burdens for others, living with my mother-in-law showed me that I had a long way to go. I am deeply thankful to God for both my mother and my mother in law. I am glad I have the example of two strong women who show me what a lifetime of sacrifice and dedication looks like. I only pray that I’ll show a little bit of the same spirit when I get into my eighties.
Jane Chung is a mother of four children and currently lives in Poughkeepsie, NY. She is married to Eric Chung. She attends Westchester Korean Adventist church and serves as secretary for the English Division. She is also a part of the admin team for ECKCM.