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The Mystery of My Mother

The visible part of an iceberg is an enormous sight to behold in and of itself. However explorers and glacial experts have long established that less than 10% is actually above the surface. The titanic portion underneath remains a mystery. There must be an overwhelming feeling of awe, when an explorer slowly unearths more and more of an iceberg’s actual size. Its icy sheets must be full of discoveries, waiting to be made.

I am beginning to have a plethora of questions about my mother. Through talking with her about the college process, I have discovered how relatable she is. She also experienced this stage of life but in her own way. While she couldn’t precisely map out my course, she knew the big picture of things. I only knew her from our interactions, when she would show her motherly side. But I realized after she revealed her knowledge that she understood my situation much more than I had thought. At the same time, I began to slowly see how unprepared I am for adulthood. The gravity of that fact slowly made its way into my head and shocked me. I knew absolutely nothing about growing up. My limited experiences in the real world let me know of my unpreparedness. Soon, I would be on my own. My mother made me realize that I was lost, but that she could help me. This made me view her in an entirely different light. Before, she had mainly been a disciplinarian. I realized now that she was just like me before. I had only seen the tip of her iceberg. 

Slowly, I am unraveling who she is and discovering how similar she is to me. My transition fully highlights this, as she and I begin to converse with more congruent thoughts. One night I began to eagerly talk to my mother about colleges I was interested in. It was close to the application process and again for the millionth time, she began to dole out a life lesson about growing up. Usually, I would have brushed her off, but something reeled me in. I began to slowly see that this time, she would not be with me much longer. The gravity of that fact slowly made its way into my head and shocked me. I knew absolutely nothing about growing up and would have to find out everything from her fast. Without realizing it, I had stumbled back into the stage of dependency. How could I go from the lazy high schooler I was and be ready for that thrust into the abyss of adulthood? For a moment, I was completely lost. However as I continued to listen to her, I recognized that everything she told me had invaluable truth behind it. Before, I had always insisted on my way and refused to accept her words. But that night I saw how right she was all this time. For once, I saw eye to eye with her. After living 18 years with my mother, I am discovering who she is for the first time.

This woman, who used to be a mere figure in my life, is now more personal. I have never seen her in this light before. I have found that underneath her motherly exterior is the vast depth of someone who has lived more than I have. She not only knows what it is like for me right now, but also before and after. She and I most likely feel the same worries; perhaps the sole difference is that her growth taught her to hide it more skillfully. She can read me like a crystal, because she knows exactly what I am going through. She was not always the mother I know. She had to discover for herself as well the troubling transition into adulthood. Which makes me realize that in order to understand me so well, she had to experience this stage of life herself. I want to know what she has gone through, and how my steps mirror hers. I want to know aspects of her young life, when she felt insecure, proud, embarrassed, or confident. For the first time, she became relatable to me on a personal level. All I saw was the culmination of her life so far, which is taking care of me. But if this is her now, who was she before?

Teddy Kim attends New Jersey Central Korean Church and is currently a senior in High School.


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