When You Disappoint Yourself
Our church has been coordinating a food pantry over the last few years. It’s been a huge blessing to our church members and to the community we serve. As the coordinator for the food pantry, it is my responsibility to do the paperwork and be the liaison for Feeding Westchester, the organization that provides the food. Once a year, I have the task of applying for a grant from the government, that adds supplemental resources for our food pantry.
Three years ago, when I first had to fill out the grant application, I was very attentive to all the emails that concerned the application. I attended the seminar about it. I made sure to pay attention to all the deadlines and anything related to it. When our application was approved and accepted, I was elated.
This year, when I saw the email about the seminar on filling it out, I ignored it. I didn’t think I needed to attend the seminar. After all, I had filled it out two years in a row and had no problems getting it approved. I remember vaguely thinking that I needed to fill out the application soon because the deadline was sometime in the end of March.
But it was a busy month in March. I had just returned from a trip to visit Christian, my son, who just welcomed their baby with his wife, Esther. After a week away in Texas, I had a lot of catch up work to do for my house and my church. My church had a sudden need to replace our treasurer and my pastor asked me to take it over.
On Monday March 27, I had an extremely busy day. My plan was to visit my mom and also visit the Greater New York Conference so I can get help with the programming for the treasurer’s software. In the middle of the day, I saw a call from a representative from Feeding Westchester. They rarely call me, so I realized that they must be calling about the grant application. But I was in the middle of something so I didn’t pick up her call and told myself that I would call her back when I was not busy. When I finally got around to listening to the voicemail, the lady told me that the applications were due that day. Panic filled my heart, with what that meant. I said a quick word of prayer to God to let the application be due at midnight of the day. But when I checked their website, I was crestfallen to note that the applications were due at 5 pm. The website stated that there was no way to hand it in after the deadline. I was too late and there was no turning back.
This meant that we could not receive $1000 in government funding that would go towards buying food for our food pantry. Also, we could not receive the once a month, premium produce that they give as part of a special program. My heart sank. I wished that I could turn back time. I was filled with remorse. Why didn’t I put it on my desk calendar that I meticulously write in everyday? Why was I so cocky, and not attend the seminar? If I had, then I would have been reminded about the application. Why didn’t I pick up the call and I could have found some time to fill in the application? I could imagine that people would be asking me why they don’t get the premium produce anymore, and I would have to tell them that I messed up and didn’t fill out the application in time.
On Monday night, as the realization hit me that I could not undo my mistake, I was close to tears. I let my food pantry clients down, I let my fellow volunteers down, but mostly I let myself down. I really didn’t like myself at that point.
I told a few people about what happened and asked for prayers because I needed comfort and I guess I also wanted to hear from others that I was not a bad person because I made this mistake. My friend Daphne, who helps out with the food pantry, sent me a text saying all things happen for a reason and also reminded me “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalms 73:26. Eric, my husband, reminded me not to dwell on the mistake because it was done and that I just need to learn from it. He said that if he makes a lot of money, he could donate extra money to the food pantry. Their texts were comforting to me.
Tuesday morning when I woke up, I felt God’s presence comforting me further. I was reminded that I am not loved by Him because I am a great coordinator for the food pantry. I am not loved because of what I do but because of who He is. He loves me when I do well but He loves me even more when I make mistakes.
And I will learn from this mistake. I will definitely write down in my calendar the due date for the grant application way in advance. But the most important lesson I have learned, is to have grace for myself when I fail. Repentance is a gift from the Holy Spirit but self-hate and shame is not of God. In God’s eyes, I am enough.
I thank God that I know Him and He gives me real strength for the disappointments in my life and gives me the firm foundation of knowing that no matter what happens His love for me is solid and cannot be shaken. Even when I feel bad about myself, I know His love is sure and constant, not dependent on my good performance.
Thank God that He is my compass and not my emotions. My emotions are so prey to so many factors. I can know that I am beloved and cherished and worthy. And the worth that is touted in the music and language of our media and pop culture, those are mere claims without a foundation.
Psalms 139:1-3 says,
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
And verses 14 and 15 of the same Psalms says
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
God has created me and you to be “fearfully and wonderfully made.” When we doubt our worthiness we can rest upon that thought. Praise the Lord that our God knows us completely and loves us completely.